Monday, May 7, 2012

let it go

Truth be told when I began this blog it was with the intent for the content to be way juicy.  I have all these drafts unfinished.  Some because it was to much for me to process.  Most because it was the realization that I am not ready to publish this info for anyone to see.  My life is full of many regrets.  I try to tell myself that, I am a different person now, these things do not matter.  But they do.  I try to remind myself that, it is only a reminder of how far I come.  But then I think, I could have been much further in life and accomplishments by now.  One of these days I believe I will muster up the courage I need to evict the skeletons from my closet, til then here is a snippet of a past life...

I used to be really close with a friend of mine, we will call her Cici.  I love her tons.  She is hilarious and fun.  She has the crappiest parents which resulted in a lot of hell in her life when she was young.  Cici had three kids by the time she was 21.  In fact she had to go back a month after her last was born to get her tubes ties cause they wouldn't allow her to before she turned 21.  I love her kiddos so much.  That last baby, was my baby.  I was referred to as his other momma.   

My husband and I had just moved out of the place we were renting out in the sticks that happened to be to close to people we needed to cut from our life.  Our new place wasn't ready yet so we moved our stuff in to storage.  Cici had just moved into a new place about five minutes from the hubs shop and offered to let us stay there while we waited for our place.  We were there about three weeks.  All this was right after the birth of her third baby.  It was the longest three weeks. 

Cici had just had some dental surgery.  The dentist prescribed her Oxycontin for pain.  For someone with an addictive personality, that was a stupid move. Very soon she began abusing it.  Taking more than recommended.  Breaking them.  Crushing and snorting them.  This lead to a huge problem.  I started recognizing how rapidly bad it was getting.  Not eating or sleeping for days at a time.  I talked with her and she broke down.  She didn't know what to do.  She had done coke more times than she could count but had never felt so helpless to something.  The house went on lock down.  She began to detox.  I took care of her kids while she laid in bed sick.  I held her hair back when needed and held her hand and promised her we would make it through.  There were many tears.  We were about four rough days in and things were seeming to be better.  I had to leave out for a few hours and when I returned her mom was there.  

Her mother, ughhhh!  An old coke head for sure.  Her boyfriend was an addict so much so that he took daily trips to the methadone clinic.  Since this was around Thanksgiving the clinic would be closed for a few days so they would give people enough doses to last them through til they opened again.  She said how she couldn't stand to see her daughter sick so she had brought her some methadone.  Undoing all that had been done.  The high she had been wanting so bad was now there.  I lost.  I knew that if this was her path that she was choosing, we could not be there.  My child is my number one.  This timed perfectly with our new place being ready. 

She would call.  I would avoid her.  Her boyfriend had told me how bad it had got.  She began to use heroin cause it was the easiest to get.  They were no longer together now.  He told me that she robbed the place he had moved in to in order to feed her addiction.    I ran into her and she told me how she had just got out of the hospital.  In a matter of a month she had become completely strung out on heroin.  Lost crazy weight.  Lost custody of her children.  Contracted hepatitis.  Her liver began to fail her and she was hospitalized for it and jaundice.  She swore to me she was trying to get better.  I did not see her again for a while...

This time I ran into her at a gas station.  She was even smaller now.  She had track marks all over her arms.  This once gorgeous girl was now hard to look at.  She was dope sick and waiting there for her dealer.  She told me how sorry she was.  How desperately she wanted her life to change but knew she was not strong enough to make that change.  I hugged her.  I told her I loved her.  I walked away hoping it was not the last time I would see her.

My husband had ran into her a few times at a gas station near his work.  Sometimes she would seem better.  Other times, she could hardly stand up.

She moved away from here to get the fresh start she needed.
Her father had a bad motorcycle accident and so she started making her way to this area a lot on weekends and such.  Her new life still going well.

I had checked out at the grocery store the other day and was grabbing a couple movies from redbox when my phone rang.  She said she wasn't far, wait there.  So I did.  It had been years since we have seen each other.  I watched from my truck as she put her long sleeve shirt on in 85 degree weather to cover the marks on her arms.  She looked smaller than I had ever seen her.  Her eyes could hardly focus on me as we spoke.  She said after her fathers accident she began to use again.  Only on weekends though, as though that made it okay.  Her life was still in tact at home.  She works for a doctors office and has her own super nice place still.  She just bought a new car.  Her life is good.  Do not worry.  

I love who she used to be.  That is the person I want to remember, but I cannot.  It is clouded by this 90 pound, marked up person that stood in front of me swearing she is okay as though she was not trying to convince just me but herself too.  I know this is it.  I feel the next time I see her, will be at her funeral.  It has been weighing on me so hard the last three days.  I have prayed many times for her.  I pray I am wrong.  I pray she will be better.  I pray she will find the help she needs.  I pray her children forgive her.  I pray she asks God to forgive her.  I pray she is able to forgive herself.     

I hugged her, told her I loved her and to be careful.

I said my goodbye.



Annmarie Pipa said...

oouch...tough life. keep praying!

Lacey Marie said...

Man... that's some serious stuff. One of my best friends from childhood(not lauren- the other...) just has terrible baby daddies, gets her name in the paper for domestic violence and her children and herself always look trashy and dirty when I see them out. I'm sure she partakes in some drug use from time to time, but mostly she's just an idiot who took after her parents- and I thought THAT was bad. Praying your friend finds some strength. Sounds like the road is never ending for her. So sad to see these types of things happen to people who had so much promise.

Lydia Thompson said...

always. ♥

Lydia Thompson said...

breaks my heart in a way I wish I could put better into words. ♥